Beautiful Morning

Oh, what a beautiful morning! It seems even lovelier when compared with yesterday, although the weather was nice yesterday, too. But, this morning, I awoke rested after completing some difficult tasks last week; AND, today is a Saturday with a clean slate for me to write upon. What shall I do with an entire day at my disposal? Lots of jobs that need doing right here at home and that is where I have decided to stay; but, I have not decided if I will do any of them, if I will do something that did not make my nagging TODO list or maybe just do genealogy all day. The back deck swing beckons me. It might be a perfect day to finish the book I am reading while swinging & sipping iced tea OR not. So many nice choices available to me. God is good.

What I won't do is spend the day blogging! Not today.

Later.

Changes

Life is all about changes; some are great, some are not. Regardless of whether it is good or bad change, nobody can prevent it from happening. Our challenge is to accept it and then decide what, if anything, we can do with it. As you grow older, you leave many stages of change behind and you can choose to learn something from them (or not.)

As I age, it seems that CHANGE is coming at me from every direction; and, I did capitalize the word on purpose. It is not one of the lower case changes with which I am faced and it seems that every time I pick up a periodical, watch TV, read a book or talk with a friend, something about change in my life comes to mind. Some of the things I was doing that were providing a feeling of satisfaction for me are not doing that for me any more; and so, I know that I need to be done with them.

The pastor's sermon today was all about change, about leaving the past behind and living for today. At home after church, I read a short message from a periodical of daily messages with scripture and it was all about change. It is not like my pastor would subscribe to this periodical and choose to write a sermon on it; the periodical is from a different religious body, even though similar in teaching.

There are more examples, but that should suffice to make my point (to me.) It can be more comfortable to live in the past than the present, particularly when the past was a happy place and the present, not so much. The message contains another message within it (like the Russian nesting dolls) and that message is to leave the past in the past and concentrate on today with plans for tomorrow.

Leaving the past in the past is not easy for a mother who has lost her children. I don't want to forget them or anything about them, nor could I do that even if I tried. Surely, God knows that as well as every parent who has lost a child. So, how do I move forward? What changes do I make? What can I do with what remains of my life? What I know is that if I get very focused on something I love to do, I feel happier; as if I have a place in the world. There was a time when my options were many and exciting to consider. There are less options now. Let me consider where I am right now, what I do with my time and abilities.

It has been 4 1/2 years since I lost my son and 29 1/2 years since I lost my daughter. Of course, my parents are gone; they would each be over 100 years old! That was to be expected and I accepted it and let it go. My brother and sister are also gone, both much older than me. I have accepted that, too. I still miss all of them; but, it is the children that I miss every day. An analyst might say it is survivor guilt; but, it is much more than that and it takes another bereaved parent to really know what it is about. In losing both of them, I lost a huge part of my past and of my future. One of my breakthrough moments was when I remembered that there was a me before I was a mom; so, I guess that is where I have to go to make these new changes. I do that knowing that I take them with me in my heart and soul forever and also knowing that nobody would be pushing me to try and have a happy life more than my son and daughter.

So, back to where am I now? In January, I got two knee replacements, so that I could walk without pain. I can now walk without pain in my knees. Now, the pain when I walk is in my lower back and right hip and I have made appointments with a new rheumatologist and an orthopedic doctor to get to the bottom of the problem and find out what my choices are to deal with this physical problem. Actually, I am in good physical condition except for the OA and the Osteopenia. Oh, yes; there is one more thing. I need to lose about forty pounds.

Last December, my book was published and I thought that I could help others and promote the book with book signings wherever I could get them. I did all I could in the county in which I live, but taking them further is not practical for me. That said, I am a published writer and love to write, as anybody could tell from my long winded blogs.

Presently, I greatly enjoy genealogy and the groups I have joined as a result of my family history research. I enjoy Mexican Train Dominos with my friends. I enjoy reading and our book club and I enjoy movies and dining out with friends. I enjoy time with family members and visits to my home town. I enjoy my home and my cats. I enjoy my church and singing in the choir. (This list is not all inclusive and these items are in no particular order.)

What would I want to do if I were wishing with no restrictions? I would lose the 40 pounds. I would write another book. I would get more publicity for Mom no More. I would get fit with the gym, therapy or whatever is required. I would travel to historic places. I would become more active in my church. I would be a better friend. I would start to cook proper meals. And, I would continue with all of the things that I listed that I presently enjoy.

OK. I could go on, but that list is frightening me. More to come, but for now, its' done.

Living with What IS

Most of my life I lived with What Should Be; and, that can be frustrating. Life does not always hand out what you think should be, does it? Sometimes, you get something that is not ever close or is the opposite of what you wanted; so, what to do with a world that that?

You can fight it as much, as long and as hard as you want to continue the struggle; but, at the end of the day, it is what it is. So, when somebody says "Deal with it," that is pretty good advise.

Being a woman who was never very smart about taking good advise, it has taken me a long time to figure this out and accept it. I still don't know if I can apply it across the board; but, let me share with you what I have learned from living with my cats.

Nine and a half years ago, I was gifted with two beautiful cats. They had to leave their home because a member of the family had serious allergy problems that they were making much worse; and, the family wanted them to stay together.

Many times, I have wondered why; but, I digress.

One cat, known to all as STARCAT, is three years the elder and was elected "adoptive cat mom" to the kitten when he arrived. Nobody realized it at the time, but STARCAT (being a diva at heart) had not one maternal bone in her beautiful black, satiny body. What they also did not know was that the fluffy white baby boy cat they had adopted was younger than he appeared to be. We know why now! He weighs almost twenty pounds; but, again I digress.

The family quickly realized the age issue with the kitten and did whatever had to be done to ensure his survival. Clearly, they did a great job. I was not there, so can only speculate on how the two cats got on in the beginning; so, I will go directly to how they were getting along when I got them which is how they continue to get along (or NOT.)

STARCAT is the alpha cat and calls all the shots. They are fed at the same time and at some distance from each other. He won't even try to eat with her nearby and if she wants to take his food, he drops his tail and walks sadly away. If he walks too near a chair on which she is seated, she will swipe at him with her claws. Often, when he is sleeping soundly, she will walk up to him and start smacking him about the face until he jumps up, looking around with a "wha' happened?" stare on his little face. Sometimes, he just finds a place to hide and goes back to sleep. Other times, he does get annoyed and chases her under a piece of furniture where he growls and watches to keep her there. Eventually, she escapes and they start all over again. She does not like him to sleep on the bed with us; so, if she finds him there when she goes to bed, she will pounce on the bed and attack him with her claws.

He does not have front claws; but it is important to know that she does not hurt him. The point seems to be to scare him and keep him from thinking he can have his way about anything. In some ways, it is just as well, given the age and size difference. If he became aggressive with her, he could do her real harm; but, I don't see that happening.

You must be wondering what all this has to do with living with What Is. This is it. I have tried many ways to change their relationship patterns. I even talked to a feline behaviorist. At one time, he did become aggressive after a "displaced anger" episode and I separated them for three months. In short, I did everything I knew to reinforce good behavior and withdraw attention to bad behavior. It made no difference in the long run.

Finally, after nine years plus, I have come to accept What Is. (Never have I said that I was a quick learner. I am stubborn!) But now, if she chases him off the bed at night, I turn over and go back to sleep. If she takes his dish, I give him hers. If she attacks him when he is sleeping, I let him choose to chase or hide. It works.

Now, to apply this across the board to things that I did not invite into my life! Of course, there are some things I can change; but, there are others that must be accepted and worked around like the cats. Writing this out will help me to remember that; and, at last I might stop struggling so much with the unchangeable, "go more with the flow" and find more peace and joy in my life.

Tough Week

Nothing is harder for me to cope with than family disputes. So many members of my family are already gone and I can't face losing any of those who remain, either to death or to misunderstanding. Sometimes, it happens anyway despite the best of intentions on all sides. That was the bad news last week and I still don't know how to mend the fence; but, I will not give up.

The good news was that I had two unexpected visitors. Well, they were not quite unexpected, as I had a day's warning and these are guests that are welcome any time with or without warning. The surprise visit was from two of my nephews and we had a good "catch up." I don't see them as often as I would like, as they live in another state and it is not the easiest commute from there to here and back; so, their visit was appreciated that much more.

Now, I must get on with my day. As the saying goes, "So much to do, so little time." One would think time would cease to be an issue when you retire and one would be wrong!

I will close with a very short poem I wrote last week when the going got tough.

Pouring on my Soul by Mignon Matthews

Tonight, the rain is pouring on my soul,
Drenching it with sadness and a hopelessness that's cold.
It should have come in winter, not in spring when I am old;
But, tonight that rain is pouring on my soul.

This is the day that GOD has made and I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.

What a great start to this day! I opened my Facebook and found a message from my granddaughter; she is in the area and I am hoping to see her tomorrow. Since I am on the east coast and she is on the west coast, this does not happen too often. Fortunately, I had made no outside plans for today or tomorrow; so, will stay close to my Facebook and phone until I hear back from her and we can make some plans.

I guess it is too much to hope that it won't rain tomorrow; it has been raining for weeks and I begin to wonder if somehow the state of NJ has been transported to the state of Washington. They EXPECT rain all the time, but we don't. Looking on the bright side, I have not had to put on the a/c very often and that is a savings. In the present economy, it is good to be thankful for those blessings.

My attention has been diverted from writing recently and back into genealogy. Finding some of my cousin Bob's children and one of his grandchildren have an interest in the family history has re-motivated me. I decided to update a notebook that I created a few years ago with the information that I had found since then and it took more time than I expected. What doesn't? But, I enjoyed doing it and, of course, it led me back into searching the census and other records when I found things I wanted to know more about. It also sent me back to the photo boxes to find pictures to share with them - and others. With me, one thing ALWAYS leads to another. But, I have completed the photo search and reorganization, updated the individual line stories that I created and am well on my way through printing the genealogical reports.

It was good timing for this activity, as I am having some difficulty walking because of pain in my hip and lower back. I'll be getting it checked out; but, between that and the rain that won't go away, working on this project at home has been good. Another good thing (at least for me) that I did during this period was to crate my blog.

Since I am a bit off topic today, I will get back on before I sign off. A dear friend, who lives in California, called me on Tuesday night. She had just finished reading my book and gave me great encouragement to keep on writing. In the course of our conversation, I expressed my frustration that my book is not IN the bookstores, because I think that it would be selling much better if it were. It is a "self help" book and it seems to me that more people would seek that type of book in a store than online. In the bookstore, they could actually see parts of it and know if it would be likely to meet their needs or not. I don't see that happening online; at least, not as much.

My friend suggested that anyone with an interest in Mom no More should try to get it from their library. If the library does not have it, they can ask them to get it and most libraries will do just that. My publisher tells me that he does market libraries; so, the book might already be available; but, many may not know that libraries will order books on request.

Enough for today.

So far, no posts to my blog; that's disappointing, but it is early days. What I would really like to see would be some comments on my book; and, even more than that, some conversations with other parents like me.

If you are interested in reading the book, you can either ask the clerk in a Borders or Barnes and Nobel bookstore to order it for you or you can go online at Borders, Barnes and Nobel or Amazon.com and order it that way. The title is Mom no More and the author is Mignon Matthews. My married name was Gunzenhauser and my children were Eva Lois Gunzenhauser and Albert Louis Gunzenhauser; but, I did not use surnames in the book. We lived in Atlantic County, NJ, when they were growing up and Albert returned there to live with his family.

The purpose of my book was twofold: 1) to help others who have lost children by sharing my experiences 2) and to memorialize my children.

I decided to do as many book signings as possible, also for those reasons. At these events, I have read short pieces from the book before opening the floor to discussion and there have been some excellent discussions. Usually, the discussions are with other bereaved parents, but sometimes, they are with people who have experienced other types of losses. Grief over lost loved ones has many commonalities.

The signing events have usually been in libraries, but sometimes they have been in other sites like women's clubs, churches, grief support groups and bookstores. Borders will not host any author whose books are not stocked in the store, so you won't see me there, as my publisher prefers to sell online. Borders Express does not have the same philosophy and I have done book signings there. They ordered a stock of books and then asked me to sign those remaining after the event for a special display, which I was happy to do.

My publisher is Hatala Geroproducts, a small company whose products are for seniors. All books are in large print and all of interest to the Senior Citizen. My book was appropriate for them because the loss of adult children would be mostly a senior topic; however, when I lost my 18 year old daughter, I was just 41 years of age and I am far from being an isolated case.

I guess that will do it for blog #2. It is time to get on with my day.

Today is June 21, 2009, and it is the first day of my blog.

I wrote a book in 2006, that was published last year, entitled Mom no More. The title reflects how I felt when I wrote that book. As a little girl, I already knew that being a mom was my future. My favorite toys were my dolls with all of the accompanying necessities, like dishes, coaches and bottles. At one point, I even got a stand alone baby bathinette and washed them so often that their skin tones lost color.

I achieved that goal when I was 22 and my first baby was born. She was a beautiful little girl with no hair and deep blue eyes. All babies are said to have blue eyes and many, like mine, become brown; but, her eyes never changed color and I am happy to say that she grew beautiful curly blond hair. We named her Eva Lois, not because she was born on New Year's Eve (although she was,) but because it was her paternal grandmother's middle name and we named her for her grandmothers. Lois was my mother's middle name. The grandmothers would probably have preferred that we use their first names, but I could not do that to my beautiful little girl. Clara Mildred would just NOT do.

One year and nine months after her birth, our son arrived to complete our family. We named him for his dad, Albert Louis, Jr. He had those same beautiful blue eyes, the color of his Dad's, and he did not have much hair on arrival either; but, when it came in, it was a little darker blond than his big sister's. We had very little in terms of material things; but, in those years, we had everything that mattered and everything we needed. During those years, I was already looking forward to the years ahead with the children growing up and, in time, having families of their own.

My picture of that future was not to be; Eva died at the age of 18 and Albert at the age of 41. I am grateful to have had her in my life for 18 years and that he lived 41 years and had a wonderful family. I am grateful for my awesome grandchildren. Still, when Albert passed, I felt like the last woman alive on an island alone.

And so, I wrote a book. Being a reader of books of all kinds, including self help books, I decided to see if I could write one that might help others in similar situations. I had found it helped me to read the experiences of other bereaved parents; so, that was my plan. Also, I wanted to memorialize my children; I don't want them to be forgotten. My final reason for writing the book was that I felt compelled.

Recently, I read a book review on a book called The Last Goodbyes by Christopher Buckley, who wrote it while grieving the loss of both parents in one year. He said, "It wasn't planned at all. I just sat down and started writing. It sounds trite to say, but there are books you want to write and others I guess you have to write. This book fell into the latter category. It poured out of me."

That is exactly how my book was written.

I have always written in journals, so I used material from them. I went through family photos, which evoked memories that went into the book, so that readers would get to know my family. And, I pulled many photos for the book; I wanted them to be seen. Finally, I added poetry which I had written and some written by Eva, who was an accomplished poet by the age of 17.

Only ten packages went out to ten publishers in November of 2006. Nine rejections arrived within the month, some with kind comments; but, in January the phone rang and it was Mark Hatala of Hatala Geroproducts. He told me "Memoirs and poetry don't sell well, but your story is compelling and well written. I want to publish it." And, it was published in December 2008.
It is available online or by request in the bookstores of Barnes & Nobel and Borders. It is also available online at Amazon.com.

Last Friday night, I facilitated a meeting of the Compassionate Friends. This is an organization of bereaved parents, who struggle together and help each other to accept their losses and move on in their lives. They are a lifeline to many. Losing a child or children is not like any other loss. It is not supposed to happen. Children are not supposed to die before their parents and Com-passionate Friends understand each other.

My topic for the meeting was "Am I still a mom when I have lost both of my children?" When I asked the question, the response was almost immediate from several voices together; and, it was "Yes, you will always be a mom." Obviously, that was not how I felt when I write the book; but, as time has gone by, I have changed my mind. I still feel like a mom. I miss my children every day, but they lived and I was their mom. That will never change.

I am thinking that this first blog is likely to be my longest blog; but, who knows. I do like to write and I hope to hear from you when you read what I have written.