Changes

Life is all about changes; some are great, some are not. Regardless of whether it is good or bad change, nobody can prevent it from happening. Our challenge is to accept it and then decide what, if anything, we can do with it. As you grow older, you leave many stages of change behind and you can choose to learn something from them (or not.)

As I age, it seems that CHANGE is coming at me from every direction; and, I did capitalize the word on purpose. It is not one of the lower case changes with which I am faced and it seems that every time I pick up a periodical, watch TV, read a book or talk with a friend, something about change in my life comes to mind. Some of the things I was doing that were providing a feeling of satisfaction for me are not doing that for me any more; and so, I know that I need to be done with them.

The pastor's sermon today was all about change, about leaving the past behind and living for today. At home after church, I read a short message from a periodical of daily messages with scripture and it was all about change. It is not like my pastor would subscribe to this periodical and choose to write a sermon on it; the periodical is from a different religious body, even though similar in teaching.

There are more examples, but that should suffice to make my point (to me.) It can be more comfortable to live in the past than the present, particularly when the past was a happy place and the present, not so much. The message contains another message within it (like the Russian nesting dolls) and that message is to leave the past in the past and concentrate on today with plans for tomorrow.

Leaving the past in the past is not easy for a mother who has lost her children. I don't want to forget them or anything about them, nor could I do that even if I tried. Surely, God knows that as well as every parent who has lost a child. So, how do I move forward? What changes do I make? What can I do with what remains of my life? What I know is that if I get very focused on something I love to do, I feel happier; as if I have a place in the world. There was a time when my options were many and exciting to consider. There are less options now. Let me consider where I am right now, what I do with my time and abilities.

It has been 4 1/2 years since I lost my son and 29 1/2 years since I lost my daughter. Of course, my parents are gone; they would each be over 100 years old! That was to be expected and I accepted it and let it go. My brother and sister are also gone, both much older than me. I have accepted that, too. I still miss all of them; but, it is the children that I miss every day. An analyst might say it is survivor guilt; but, it is much more than that and it takes another bereaved parent to really know what it is about. In losing both of them, I lost a huge part of my past and of my future. One of my breakthrough moments was when I remembered that there was a me before I was a mom; so, I guess that is where I have to go to make these new changes. I do that knowing that I take them with me in my heart and soul forever and also knowing that nobody would be pushing me to try and have a happy life more than my son and daughter.

So, back to where am I now? In January, I got two knee replacements, so that I could walk without pain. I can now walk without pain in my knees. Now, the pain when I walk is in my lower back and right hip and I have made appointments with a new rheumatologist and an orthopedic doctor to get to the bottom of the problem and find out what my choices are to deal with this physical problem. Actually, I am in good physical condition except for the OA and the Osteopenia. Oh, yes; there is one more thing. I need to lose about forty pounds.

Last December, my book was published and I thought that I could help others and promote the book with book signings wherever I could get them. I did all I could in the county in which I live, but taking them further is not practical for me. That said, I am a published writer and love to write, as anybody could tell from my long winded blogs.

Presently, I greatly enjoy genealogy and the groups I have joined as a result of my family history research. I enjoy Mexican Train Dominos with my friends. I enjoy reading and our book club and I enjoy movies and dining out with friends. I enjoy time with family members and visits to my home town. I enjoy my home and my cats. I enjoy my church and singing in the choir. (This list is not all inclusive and these items are in no particular order.)

What would I want to do if I were wishing with no restrictions? I would lose the 40 pounds. I would write another book. I would get more publicity for Mom no More. I would get fit with the gym, therapy or whatever is required. I would travel to historic places. I would become more active in my church. I would be a better friend. I would start to cook proper meals. And, I would continue with all of the things that I listed that I presently enjoy.

OK. I could go on, but that list is frightening me. More to come, but for now, its' done.

Living with What IS

Most of my life I lived with What Should Be; and, that can be frustrating. Life does not always hand out what you think should be, does it? Sometimes, you get something that is not ever close or is the opposite of what you wanted; so, what to do with a world that that?

You can fight it as much, as long and as hard as you want to continue the struggle; but, at the end of the day, it is what it is. So, when somebody says "Deal with it," that is pretty good advise.

Being a woman who was never very smart about taking good advise, it has taken me a long time to figure this out and accept it. I still don't know if I can apply it across the board; but, let me share with you what I have learned from living with my cats.

Nine and a half years ago, I was gifted with two beautiful cats. They had to leave their home because a member of the family had serious allergy problems that they were making much worse; and, the family wanted them to stay together.

Many times, I have wondered why; but, I digress.

One cat, known to all as STARCAT, is three years the elder and was elected "adoptive cat mom" to the kitten when he arrived. Nobody realized it at the time, but STARCAT (being a diva at heart) had not one maternal bone in her beautiful black, satiny body. What they also did not know was that the fluffy white baby boy cat they had adopted was younger than he appeared to be. We know why now! He weighs almost twenty pounds; but, again I digress.

The family quickly realized the age issue with the kitten and did whatever had to be done to ensure his survival. Clearly, they did a great job. I was not there, so can only speculate on how the two cats got on in the beginning; so, I will go directly to how they were getting along when I got them which is how they continue to get along (or NOT.)

STARCAT is the alpha cat and calls all the shots. They are fed at the same time and at some distance from each other. He won't even try to eat with her nearby and if she wants to take his food, he drops his tail and walks sadly away. If he walks too near a chair on which she is seated, she will swipe at him with her claws. Often, when he is sleeping soundly, she will walk up to him and start smacking him about the face until he jumps up, looking around with a "wha' happened?" stare on his little face. Sometimes, he just finds a place to hide and goes back to sleep. Other times, he does get annoyed and chases her under a piece of furniture where he growls and watches to keep her there. Eventually, she escapes and they start all over again. She does not like him to sleep on the bed with us; so, if she finds him there when she goes to bed, she will pounce on the bed and attack him with her claws.

He does not have front claws; but it is important to know that she does not hurt him. The point seems to be to scare him and keep him from thinking he can have his way about anything. In some ways, it is just as well, given the age and size difference. If he became aggressive with her, he could do her real harm; but, I don't see that happening.

You must be wondering what all this has to do with living with What Is. This is it. I have tried many ways to change their relationship patterns. I even talked to a feline behaviorist. At one time, he did become aggressive after a "displaced anger" episode and I separated them for three months. In short, I did everything I knew to reinforce good behavior and withdraw attention to bad behavior. It made no difference in the long run.

Finally, after nine years plus, I have come to accept What Is. (Never have I said that I was a quick learner. I am stubborn!) But now, if she chases him off the bed at night, I turn over and go back to sleep. If she takes his dish, I give him hers. If she attacks him when he is sleeping, I let him choose to chase or hide. It works.

Now, to apply this across the board to things that I did not invite into my life! Of course, there are some things I can change; but, there are others that must be accepted and worked around like the cats. Writing this out will help me to remember that; and, at last I might stop struggling so much with the unchangeable, "go more with the flow" and find more peace and joy in my life.