As I age, it seems that CHANGE is coming at me from every direction; and, I did capitalize the word on purpose. It is not one of the lower case changes with which I am faced and it seems that every time I pick up a periodical, watch TV, read a book or talk with a friend, something about change in my life comes to mind. Some of the things I was doing that were providing a feeling of satisfaction for me are not doing that for me any more; and so, I know that I need to be done with them.
The pastor's sermon today was all about change, about leaving the past behind and living for today. At home after church, I read a short message from a periodical of daily messages with scripture and it was all about change. It is not like my pastor would subscribe to this periodical and choose to write a sermon on it; the periodical is from a different religious body, even though similar in teaching.
There are more examples, but that should suffice to make my point (to me.) It can be more comfortable to live in the past than the present, particularly when the past was a happy place and the present, not so much. The message contains another message within it (like the Russian nesting dolls) and that message is to leave the past in the past and concentrate on today with plans for tomorrow.
Leaving the past in the past is not easy for a mother who has lost her children. I don't want to forget them or anything about them, nor could I do that even if I tried. Surely, God knows that as well as every parent who has lost a child. So, how do I move forward? What changes do I make? What can I do with what remains of my life? What I know is that if I get very focused on something I love to do, I feel happier; as if I have a place in the world. There was a time when my options were many and exciting to consider. There are less options now. Let me consider where I am right now, what I do with my time and abilities.
It has been 4 1/2 years since I lost my son and 29 1/2 years since I lost my daughter. Of course, my parents are gone; they would each be over 100 years old! That was to be expected and I accepted it and let it go. My brother and sister are also gone, both much older than me. I have accepted that, too. I still miss all of them; but, it is the children that I miss every day. An analyst might say it is survivor guilt; but, it is much more than that and it takes another bereaved parent to really know what it is about. In losing both of them, I lost a huge part of my past and of my future. One of my breakthrough moments was when I remembered that there was a me before I was a mom; so, I guess that is where I have to go to make these new changes. I do that knowing that I take them with me in my heart and soul forever and also knowing that nobody would be pushing me to try and have a happy life more than my son and daughter.
So, back to where am I now? In January, I got two knee replacements, so that I could walk without pain. I can now walk without pain in my knees. Now, the pain when I walk is in my lower back and right hip and I have made appointments with a new rheumatologist and an orthopedic doctor to get to the bottom of the problem and find out what my choices are to deal with this physical problem. Actually, I am in good physical condition except for the OA and the Osteopenia. Oh, yes; there is one more thing. I need to lose about forty pounds.
Last December, my book was published and I thought that I could help others and promote the book with book signings wherever I could get them. I did all I could in the county in which I live, but taking them further is not practical for me. That said, I am a published writer and love to write, as anybody could tell from my long winded blogs.
Presently, I greatly enjoy genealogy and the groups I have joined as a result of my family history research. I enjoy Mexican Train Dominos with my friends. I enjoy reading and our book club and I enjoy movies and dining out with friends. I enjoy time with family members and visits to my home town. I enjoy my home and my cats. I enjoy my church and singing in the choir. (This list is not all inclusive and these items are in no particular order.)
What would I want to do if I were wishing with no restrictions? I would lose the 40 pounds. I would write another book. I would get more publicity for Mom no More. I would get fit with the gym, therapy or whatever is required. I would travel to historic places. I would become more active in my church. I would be a better friend. I would start to cook proper meals. And, I would continue with all of the things that I listed that I presently enjoy.
OK. I could go on, but that list is frightening me. More to come, but for now, its' done.
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