Living with What IS

Most of my life I lived with What Should Be; and, that can be frustrating. Life does not always hand out what you think should be, does it? Sometimes, you get something that is not ever close or is the opposite of what you wanted; so, what to do with a world that that?

You can fight it as much, as long and as hard as you want to continue the struggle; but, at the end of the day, it is what it is. So, when somebody says "Deal with it," that is pretty good advise.

Being a woman who was never very smart about taking good advise, it has taken me a long time to figure this out and accept it. I still don't know if I can apply it across the board; but, let me share with you what I have learned from living with my cats.

Nine and a half years ago, I was gifted with two beautiful cats. They had to leave their home because a member of the family had serious allergy problems that they were making much worse; and, the family wanted them to stay together.

Many times, I have wondered why; but, I digress.

One cat, known to all as STARCAT, is three years the elder and was elected "adoptive cat mom" to the kitten when he arrived. Nobody realized it at the time, but STARCAT (being a diva at heart) had not one maternal bone in her beautiful black, satiny body. What they also did not know was that the fluffy white baby boy cat they had adopted was younger than he appeared to be. We know why now! He weighs almost twenty pounds; but, again I digress.

The family quickly realized the age issue with the kitten and did whatever had to be done to ensure his survival. Clearly, they did a great job. I was not there, so can only speculate on how the two cats got on in the beginning; so, I will go directly to how they were getting along when I got them which is how they continue to get along (or NOT.)

STARCAT is the alpha cat and calls all the shots. They are fed at the same time and at some distance from each other. He won't even try to eat with her nearby and if she wants to take his food, he drops his tail and walks sadly away. If he walks too near a chair on which she is seated, she will swipe at him with her claws. Often, when he is sleeping soundly, she will walk up to him and start smacking him about the face until he jumps up, looking around with a "wha' happened?" stare on his little face. Sometimes, he just finds a place to hide and goes back to sleep. Other times, he does get annoyed and chases her under a piece of furniture where he growls and watches to keep her there. Eventually, she escapes and they start all over again. She does not like him to sleep on the bed with us; so, if she finds him there when she goes to bed, she will pounce on the bed and attack him with her claws.

He does not have front claws; but it is important to know that she does not hurt him. The point seems to be to scare him and keep him from thinking he can have his way about anything. In some ways, it is just as well, given the age and size difference. If he became aggressive with her, he could do her real harm; but, I don't see that happening.

You must be wondering what all this has to do with living with What Is. This is it. I have tried many ways to change their relationship patterns. I even talked to a feline behaviorist. At one time, he did become aggressive after a "displaced anger" episode and I separated them for three months. In short, I did everything I knew to reinforce good behavior and withdraw attention to bad behavior. It made no difference in the long run.

Finally, after nine years plus, I have come to accept What Is. (Never have I said that I was a quick learner. I am stubborn!) But now, if she chases him off the bed at night, I turn over and go back to sleep. If she takes his dish, I give him hers. If she attacks him when he is sleeping, I let him choose to chase or hide. It works.

Now, to apply this across the board to things that I did not invite into my life! Of course, there are some things I can change; but, there are others that must be accepted and worked around like the cats. Writing this out will help me to remember that; and, at last I might stop struggling so much with the unchangeable, "go more with the flow" and find more peace and joy in my life.