Today is June 21, 2009, and it is the first day of my blog.

I wrote a book in 2006, that was published last year, entitled Mom no More. The title reflects how I felt when I wrote that book. As a little girl, I already knew that being a mom was my future. My favorite toys were my dolls with all of the accompanying necessities, like dishes, coaches and bottles. At one point, I even got a stand alone baby bathinette and washed them so often that their skin tones lost color.

I achieved that goal when I was 22 and my first baby was born. She was a beautiful little girl with no hair and deep blue eyes. All babies are said to have blue eyes and many, like mine, become brown; but, her eyes never changed color and I am happy to say that she grew beautiful curly blond hair. We named her Eva Lois, not because she was born on New Year's Eve (although she was,) but because it was her paternal grandmother's middle name and we named her for her grandmothers. Lois was my mother's middle name. The grandmothers would probably have preferred that we use their first names, but I could not do that to my beautiful little girl. Clara Mildred would just NOT do.

One year and nine months after her birth, our son arrived to complete our family. We named him for his dad, Albert Louis, Jr. He had those same beautiful blue eyes, the color of his Dad's, and he did not have much hair on arrival either; but, when it came in, it was a little darker blond than his big sister's. We had very little in terms of material things; but, in those years, we had everything that mattered and everything we needed. During those years, I was already looking forward to the years ahead with the children growing up and, in time, having families of their own.

My picture of that future was not to be; Eva died at the age of 18 and Albert at the age of 41. I am grateful to have had her in my life for 18 years and that he lived 41 years and had a wonderful family. I am grateful for my awesome grandchildren. Still, when Albert passed, I felt like the last woman alive on an island alone.

And so, I wrote a book. Being a reader of books of all kinds, including self help books, I decided to see if I could write one that might help others in similar situations. I had found it helped me to read the experiences of other bereaved parents; so, that was my plan. Also, I wanted to memorialize my children; I don't want them to be forgotten. My final reason for writing the book was that I felt compelled.

Recently, I read a book review on a book called The Last Goodbyes by Christopher Buckley, who wrote it while grieving the loss of both parents in one year. He said, "It wasn't planned at all. I just sat down and started writing. It sounds trite to say, but there are books you want to write and others I guess you have to write. This book fell into the latter category. It poured out of me."

That is exactly how my book was written.

I have always written in journals, so I used material from them. I went through family photos, which evoked memories that went into the book, so that readers would get to know my family. And, I pulled many photos for the book; I wanted them to be seen. Finally, I added poetry which I had written and some written by Eva, who was an accomplished poet by the age of 17.

Only ten packages went out to ten publishers in November of 2006. Nine rejections arrived within the month, some with kind comments; but, in January the phone rang and it was Mark Hatala of Hatala Geroproducts. He told me "Memoirs and poetry don't sell well, but your story is compelling and well written. I want to publish it." And, it was published in December 2008.
It is available online or by request in the bookstores of Barnes & Nobel and Borders. It is also available online at Amazon.com.

Last Friday night, I facilitated a meeting of the Compassionate Friends. This is an organization of bereaved parents, who struggle together and help each other to accept their losses and move on in their lives. They are a lifeline to many. Losing a child or children is not like any other loss. It is not supposed to happen. Children are not supposed to die before their parents and Com-passionate Friends understand each other.

My topic for the meeting was "Am I still a mom when I have lost both of my children?" When I asked the question, the response was almost immediate from several voices together; and, it was "Yes, you will always be a mom." Obviously, that was not how I felt when I write the book; but, as time has gone by, I have changed my mind. I still feel like a mom. I miss my children every day, but they lived and I was their mom. That will never change.

I am thinking that this first blog is likely to be my longest blog; but, who knows. I do like to write and I hope to hear from you when you read what I have written.